BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
This is a whole mood;
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!