BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.


Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.


“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services


If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.