@AndrewNadeau0

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

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@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@catstronomical

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

@13spencer

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.