@carlyken

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

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@moneebthinks

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

@DebHawk12

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *hits her sister*

Me: Keep your hands to yourself.

5:

Me:

5: *kicks*

Me: And your feet.

5:

Me:

5: *headbutts*

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

@Tmoney68

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

@liv_thatsme

“Don’t you wish you had children?”

Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?