[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip


On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.


You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector


5-year-old: *hits her sister*

Me: Keep your hands to yourself.



5: *kicks*

Me: And your feet.



5: *headbutts*


You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.


I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.


My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.


“Don’t you wish you had children?”

Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?