bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”