bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’m awake but I object,