BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]


#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’


wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma


Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.


So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.


What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?


*boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?



Me: Shut the door when you leave


There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And I was attacked by a large beast.
I’m pretty much a werewolf now.