@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

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@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@ThaJawn

*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation

*sneezes

*head slams into window and breaks it

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@bearcub577

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.