@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

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@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@bigmacher

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

@EndhooS

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@MariyaAlexander

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

@Snarfernini

*boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me:

Boss:

Me: Shut the door when you leave

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@caseytduncan

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And I was attacked by a large beast.
I’m pretty much a werewolf now.