BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash