Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!