put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump