@AbbieEvansXO

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

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@KeetPotato

[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@Shock_Monster

Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven
*click*

Tears In Heaven
*click*

Highway To Hell
*click*

Macarena!
*leaves it*

@BunAndLeggings

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump