[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad