[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.