[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
We’re all getting idioter.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street