@Tommytoughstuff

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

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@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@jordan_stratton

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@PUNjipati

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?

:-for the notifications to go away?

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.