ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?
:-for the notifications to go away?
After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.