“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.