Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
i’m laughing very hard in real life
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*