[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
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[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she鈥檇 turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 馃檨
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Weirdos gonna weird.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
lost dog
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.