[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.