“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
this is 10/10 content no notes
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach