Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
North and South
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I feel seen.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.