Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
6: are snakes just neck?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”