Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You Might Also Like
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
blocked.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Thursday
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL