BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I really had high hopes for this year though
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair