Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

This could’ve been an email.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

🙄

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*