@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

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@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@NurseSeymour

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

@therepoguy

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

@Rollmaninoz

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email