COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.


One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.


My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.


[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”


Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.


“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.


“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before


Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…


If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.


Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.