Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”