Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker: I’m in.
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
me: yes please
her: how do you take it?
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting