Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”