@ThugRaccoons

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

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@Vice_Queen

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

@sophielou

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@aissalanis

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

@roxiqt

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting