Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My dog learned how to text
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
screw you
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?