Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
#merica
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable