[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery