*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
MEGAN: What are you up to
MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh
[catching up with an old friend]
me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.