[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me
person: wanna go on a date?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.