If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[Gone for an hour]
Boss: Where have you been?
Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
Trainer: You here to get cut?
Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill