me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

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If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.


(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…


It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.


Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?


Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.


football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this


[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.


[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.



Trainer: You here to get cut?

Me: Uhh no, I’m already circumcised and if that’s covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill