[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Why do meteors always land in craters?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.