When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.