[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.