[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.