[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”