[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

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Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then


Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh


They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.


Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.


Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*


If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.


At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.


I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”