@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

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@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@JPLFR80

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

@TinyWriterLaura

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

@slimmy_shady

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!