[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

You Might Also Like


Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”


When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*


She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night


When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.


reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen


Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered


Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!