Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?
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the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”