@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

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@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@dubstep4dads

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@salamingia

The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”