Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
🤣
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
When he asks for feet pics
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.