Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.