him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.
Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Good morning, Twitter x
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.