Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go


The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.


Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?


My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.


People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.



Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.


Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.