banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.


*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*


That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.


Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”


The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.


Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.


– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”