banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you