@violinbug

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

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@Staggfilms

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

@heyitsJudeD

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

@Faiza__Tg

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

@ohpeetie

– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”