Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!