@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

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@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into $65,000 cash

@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@KrangTNelson

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

@Sanbel11

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

@RickAaron

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

@Dawn_M_

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@ItsAndyRyan

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

@InternetHippo

I don’t get movies where people switch bodies and they’re like “Ahh I gotta get my old body back” if I could ditch this decrepit nightmare I’d be like lol bye