@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

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@Dustinkcouch

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

@CountMackula

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

@CaelaCarter

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

@PinkCamoTO

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@SICKOFWOLVES

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”