Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds