when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.