[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Still cracks me up
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.