Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
wait.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”