[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
concern
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
eggs benadryl
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”