Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.