Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.