[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.


If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.


It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.


If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?


“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”


I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.


If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.