barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?