barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
[20mins later]
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question

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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.


REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare



Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail



Wife: you can usually trust me


GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.


“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.


Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks


Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*