Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
It’s true what they say: shut up.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife: you can usually trust me
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.
Who’s the cutest little nation?
Yes you are!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Sensor: *bursts into flames*