Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…