@KeetPotato

barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
[20mins later]
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question

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@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

@SvnSxty

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.

@ag_loco

Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*

@IvoryGazelle

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

@alexlumaga

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*