Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
You Might Also Like
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
this article brought to you by lions
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?