*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Sing it!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Tuesday
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.