Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.