@thedadvocate01

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@KalvinMacleod

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

@CrockettForReal

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.