YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.