To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.