You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination